Life Update: Back to Blogging + We're Pregnant!!
And then there were four of us....
It’s been a while, a LONG while since I’ve taken the time to sit down and write in this space. A lot has been happening the past few months. Some things good, some sad, some just plain confusing. What I really needed was to slow down, take a deep breath, and take a hard look at my life.
Here’s a brief recap:
THREE MONTHS AGO
Back in May, I was offered an opportunity to interview for a position with a local nonprofit here in Boerne. Some dear friends of mine heard about it through their church and thought I’d be a good fit. They put me in touch with the hiring coordinator, who I contacted out of curiosity and things just started to happen. The job sounded perfect. It was part-time, utilizing my administrative and nonprofit development skills, and was even located right down the road from me.
Side note: Most people in my town have a 45-minute commute into San Antonio for ANY job, much less one in nonprofits.
Oh, and did I mention the nonprofit had an environmental sustainability component pared with a human rights and welfare focus? It was right up my ally and seemingly perfect.
Going back to work was completely out of my imagined life path.
When the opportunity presented itself, I had been having some minor inklings to go back to work. However, I also had this strong desire to grow our family. I honestly didn’t know if another baby was even going to be possible for us (thanks PCOS). If I were to get pregnant, I just couldn’t see myself working with two young children, especially since we are blessed with the ability for me to stay home and care for them. On the flip side, if I didn’t get pregnant I’m not sure when the next time a job opportunity like this would come along.
Every day I tormented myself with the question: do I hold fast to the path of what I’ve imagined my life to become OR is this a sign I should be moving in a new direction?
Women can’t schedule things like getting pregnant (esp. if you have fertility issues) as easily as making career plans. After a few weeks of back and forth conversation with David (he’s such a patient husband), I decided to do what I always do: let fate decide. I scheduled an appointment to talk about fertility treatment options with my doctor. If my doctor said it wasn’t possible, I’d move on and look at going back to work. If she said I could potentially get pregnant within the next year, then I would hold fast with the plans for growing our family.
As fate would have it, two days before my interview - Mother’s Day in fact - I got a positive pregnancy test.
Which brings me to…
TWO MONTHS AGO
I hate the saying “What goes up must come down.” I wish everything could just stay “up” but alas, it doesn’t always work that way.
After the thrill of finding out I was pregnant, morning sickness hit… with a vengeance. I couldn’t get out of bed for almost the entire month of June. In addition to being nauseous 24/7, I was plagued by fatigue, flu-like body aches, headache, and worst of all… depression.
I’m not sure if it was because I was confined to my bed most days or if it was hormonal (probably some combination of the two), but I felt so blank ALL OF THE TIME. It was terrible. I was supposed to be celebrating the fact that we’d finally gotten pregnant, but instead I was a zombie. I don’t want to dwell on this period too much, because quite frankly… it’s depressing… but after a little research, I realized prenatal depression is just as real as postpartum depression.
PSA: ladies, if you are pregnant and experiencing real symptoms of depression talk to your doctor ASAP. If left untreated it could lead to premature birth, low birth-weight, or even miscarriage.
LAST MONTH (JULY)
July was a month of healing. It’s the strangest thing, but the day I hit 14 weeks of pregnancy (the official end of the first trimester and beginning of the second) I was instantly better. No nausea, fatigue, body aches, headaches… NOTHING. It was like a switch had been flipped. I went to bed feeling gross one night and woke up the next morning healthy again. The blank feeling was replaced by the emotions I knew existed deep down. I was finally able to feel excited for this new little baby growing inside of me.
I also started crying a lot… but not in a sad way. The empty space which had consumed me for over a month was suddenly filled with “all the feelings.” If I saw a puppy on T.V. I’d cry. If Ezra gave me one of his spur of the moment hugs, I’d cry. If our dog Gypsy was laying in a cute position on the couch… I’d cry.
The worst was when the Haagen Das commercial would come on T.V. If you’re not familiar, it’s this montage of an accomplished pianist from the height of his success all the way back to his humble beginnings as a little boy learning to play the piano. All with images of delicious ice cream interwoven throughout… The moral is that we don’t all start out great. We all have to start at the beginning and its passion and dedication which leads to being great. All I could see was my toddler Ezra superimposed upon the little boy playing piano for the first time...
I don’t just cry when I see this commercial… I bawl. David only laughs at me.
Now it’s August. I have a cute little baby belly and I’m already starting to feel the first flutters of movement. I’m also pretty sure we are going to have a girl. Mainly because I was never sick when I was pregnant with Ezra. Just stupidly happy the entire pregnancy. However, I’ll honestly be happy with either a boy or a girl. The process of conceiving, growing, birthing and then raising a baby is such a miracle that knowing gender seems inconsequential. (Although we will find out in just a few short weeks!)
I mentioned earlier in the post about how I was upset because I felt like I wasn’t in control of my imagined life path. I’ve recently come to the realization that it’s good to have goals, stay focused, and work towards achieving those said goals. However, it’s also important to be flexible. Otherwise, you might close yourself off to some amazing opportunities. For me, I ended up affirming I was on the path I truly wanted to go down. I felt immense relief to turn down a potential job opportunity (even though it seemed like the perfect fit for me), which was a sign I wasn’t ready to go back to work. It was a shock to struggle with depression throughout the entire first trimester of my pregnancy, but despite the challenge I never once wished I hadn’t gotten pregnant again.
Now, amazingly enough, I’ve been daydreaming and laying the groundwork for a project I'm extremely excited about (all will be revealed in a much later post... stay tuned!). Maybe it's the hormones, but my heart feels so full right now with the possibility of where this idea might lead to + getting to introduce a new life into this world all over again. My path of staying home to raise our young children is still on course and I'm looking forward to getting back to blogging again. For those of you who have kept reading and stuck with me, I’m so thankful for you and your support. Please check back as I have some yummy recipes I’ve been working on as well as some other random insights on fitness, finance, and parenting I’d love to share with you <3